Coming Out is Complicated
This post is for general educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. If you're looking for support, we'd love to connect at 740-214-6443. If you are in crisis, call or text 988.
There are a lot of firsts in life. First steps, first word, first love, first kiss, the first time you had your favorite food, first day of school, etc. We don’t always remember our firsts, but I remember the first time I came out to someone. I remember the fear, shame, self loathing, and all-consuming anxiety that led up to and followed after the first time I told someone I was queer.
My experience is not unique. Many queer people experience intense emotions when considering coming out, even to the people we love most. There is the fear they won’t be supportive, they will not want to be around you, they will harm you, or they will tell others who you don’t want to know. It’s not a personal failing if you’re afraid to come out to someone, and reminding yourself that this is a difficult and deeply personal process is vital to your wellbeing!
So, let's chat about those fears and emotions that come up.
There are a vast number of emotion words we could apply to these situations and it will likely be different for everyone. In my experience, shame is the best descriptor. To be clear, I strongly believe that being queer is okay and should be celebrated, but I have still experienced shame because of how others might perceive me. Pride and shame can go hand in hand, and unfortunately do so often in the queer community. Acknowledging and feeling shame does not mean being queer is wrong; rather, that the cultural context we exist in has historically been very toxic towards us as a group. This toxicity has led to our own negative experiences with prejudice, which can be very difficult not to internalize.
You may have heard the term internalized homophobia/transphobia. This means that through learning about or directly experiencing homophobia or transphobia (even in seemingly small ways, like someone saying “that’s so gay” to describe something bad), we can start to believe those negative messages about ourselves and our identities. Over time, this can lead to negative and self-critical thoughts about our own identities. These experiences, along with the fear that our loved ones could turn on us, and concerns for our safety, can contribute to feelings of shame and make coming out even more difficult.
Remember: Pride doesn't automatically erase the effects of stigma and it's ok to feel what you’re feeling.
You may weigh all the factors, consider all the possibilities, and come to terms with the potential outcomes and decide coming out is what's right for you, but you also may decide it's not. You get to make that decision and I know you didn’t make it lightly. You’re not a failure because you choose not to come out. You are allowed to make the decision that feels right for you, whether that means protecting your safety, taking more time, or simply keeping this part of yourself private. There is so much uncertainty, which can be terrifying. I want you to be safe; but, I also want you to know there is nothing wrong with you and you are extraordinary exactly the way you are. Whether you make the choice to come out or decide not to, you are wonderful and worthy of love.
For those still struggling with the decision to come out or not, I am giving you permission to slow down and take your time. You don’t need to make a decision today, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
It can be helpful to talk to someone you trust, like a therapist, a friend/family member who knows your identity, or the LGBT National Coming Out Support Hotline, which provides a safe and inclusive space to talk through your feelings, fears, and uncertainties about coming out. You don't have to have all the answers or be ready to make a decision to reach out for support. You could also journal about your uncertainty or simply allow yourself to feel your feelings without the burden of choosing right now.
Now, let’s focus on grounding ourselves and finding a little calm after talking about some of these difficult emotions.
Take some deep breaths and repeat after me:
“I am safe right now”
“I deserve to love and accept myself”
“There is nothing shameful about who I am”
“I do not need to justify my identity to anyone”
“I do not need to have all the answers to know that my feelings are real”
Good job! I’m so proud of you for being you, whether that means you're out and everybody knows, or you are keeping your identity to yourself.
YOU MATTER♥️
LGBT National Coming Out Support Hotline: 888-688-5428 (888-OUT-LGBT). They are available Monday- through Friday 2pm-8pm EST and Saturday noon-5pm EST.
