This post is a guest post writen by Reagan Tyner from her personal experience and insight. This blog is not writen with the intent to diagnose or treat and is not written by a mental health professional. If you, or someone you know, is struggling with mental health concerns, please speak with a mental health professional or your physician.
5 Things Not to Say to Someone Struggling with Depression
There is no doubt that there are some major health concerns in our world right now (Hello COVID-19) and quarantine may seem like a dream to some—stay in pjs all day, relax around the house, not going to school or work, but for someone who struggles with depression, this can upset routines that keep them out of a depressive episode. Isolating ourselves, not getting ready for the day, and skipping social obligations are all things we try to avoid because they put us in unhealthy habits. So while we are social distancing to protects ourselves and others, if you know of a friend, coworker, family member, etc. that has a history of depression, check on them. But be cautious. Even though something is meant to uplift and comes from a place of concern, it can be have the opposite of what was intended. Here is a list of what not to say to someone with depression, and what you can say instead.
“You don’t seem depressed.”
While this may seem like a compliment to someone struggling with their mental health, depression is an invisible illness. Just because your friend doesn’t fit your stigma of a “depressed person” doesn’t mean it isn’t very real them. Personally, I was a master of masking my depressive tendencies. While on the outside I was smiling, bubbly, and seemed fine, on the inside my soul was slowing being crushed and I was missing school because I couldn’t get out of bed. When you make this statement, it may be taken as doubt, and paired with the stigma that follows mental health, your friend may not seek treatment due to embarrassment or shame. If your loved one feels they can talk to you about what they are going through, its because they feel it is safe to open up, not to try to prove their symptoms. It isn’t for you to diagnose. You are there to support and encourage. Instead say: “I didn’t realize you were struggling. I am here to talk when you are ready.”
It could be worse (or) You don’t really have anything to be depressed about.
I once had a therapist in my younger years say to me, “So you have parents who are married that provide nice things for you, friends at school, good grades, and are involved in extra-curriculars. Why are you even depressed?” Unfortunately, this is a question people with clinical depression often asks themselves. It is also unfortunate that a medical professional I trusted enough to open up to said this to me. It truly turned me away from therapy for a very long time, and I was very hesitant when I first started seeing my current therapist because of it. I quickly realized hearing that was not okay or the norm, but it still stung. To you, a certain event or daily task may seem mundane or has little effect, but someone with depression may struggle with internally coping and rationalizing. To them, it may seem like a huge obstacle that is impossible to overcome. Depression doesn’t need a justification, and your friend shouldn’t either. Clinical depression doesn’t pick and choose its victims based on bank accounts, popularity status, or skill. The fact of the matter is that clinical depression can be caused by your brain chemistry, family traits, even hormones. Try avoiding competition or minimizing their experience. Instead say, “What can I do to help? I am here to listen.”**
Just Do It / Toughen Up
While this Nike tagline may be nice for selling workout gear, this does NOT encourage someone who is struggling with depression. There is a reason suicide is the biggest killer for men under 40. Telling him to “man up” is, in my opinion, one of the worst things you can say. I once had someone say, “okay, on the count of three just get out of bed and put a smile on.” If counting to three suddenly made getting out of bed and facing my day during a depressive episode easier, I think we would’ve tried that already. There is no quick and easy way when it comes to working through depression. Would you tell your diabetic friend to simply don't think of sugar or just ignore their pancreas? NO! Just as they would take insulin and make changes to their lifestyle, someone with depression may need to take antidepressants to help support their body and go to therapy to learn coping mechanisms.
Instead say, “You are strong. We are going to get through this together!”
You’re crazy.
This one really hits home for me. When I was a teenager, I used to hide my antidepressants or flush them down the toilet because I thought if people found out I took them, they would think I was crazy. This may seem irrational to you, and I even roll my eyes at it now because if only I would’ve taken them; then, I would’ve felt so much better. But I was truly convinced that I would end up in the “looney bin” (what my boyfriend at the time called the psych ward — helpful right?) rocking in the corner in a straight jacket like in the movies. And while that is a reality for some people who are really struggling with mental health, I was blowing it out of proportion in my head. I didn’t have the skills to logically say to myself, “you are not crazy just for taking a medication that fixes a chemical imbalance.” Today I am very careful about calling people “crazy” or using that word flippantly because you don’t realize how one little word can affect someone. Instead, honestly, just don’t. There is no better way to say that because it’s just uncalled for in general. Depression is not a character trait. It’s a clinical condition.
You don’t need those medications to feel better. Just push through without them.
Looking back now, I wish I had to wherewithal to reply, “Oh my goodness. Congrats! I didn’t realize you received your MD!” You may think this is encouraging and you are saving your loved one from a dangerous addiction or being totally numb, but the fact is, you are not a medical professional and you certainly don’t know their brain chemistry. This phrase is just harmful. Not only are you undermining someone trained to help them, going off medications intended to help someone's mental health can be extremely dangerous. There was a reason they were prescribed that medicine—because it may help them. I believe that medicine certainly isn’t a fix all, but it can be a factor that is vital to your friend’s growth. You don’t see what goes on in their therapist or psychiatrist appointments, so keep this opinion to yourself.
Instead try to educate yourself on treatments of depression and why they are helpful. Maybe even ask to sit in a therapist session where you can ask questions and receive a better understanding.
I have had all five of these statements said to me. Some more than others. And I know other’s have had the same things said to them. They had a hand in stunting my mental health growth and were some of the reasons I was hesitant to ask for help, even though I knew I really needed it. You may not understand fully what your loved one with depression, or any other mental health condition, is going through but you are there as a tool of encouragement and to create a safe space for them, not to fix them—because they aren’t broken. And they are not alone.
If you have had a loved one say these hurtful things to you, I am sorry, and I know it may affect you more than they realize. Please reach out to a medical professional or a loved one who will help you get the help you need.
With this quarantine, you or a friend may be feeling alone or isolated. If you are feeling helpless, please don’t hesitate to call, text, or chat online with the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or suicidepreventionlifeline.org. I have used them before when I couldn’t get ahold of my support system or therapist and it helped me a lot. It’s totally anonymous and there are trained professionals who know that the list of phrases above is not helpful.